I feel like such a fricken loser. I know I am supposed to be nice to myself, but some days I just cannot. Today, I want to disappear somewhere. Into a deep dark hole. I am embarrassed. I feel stupid. I found a lump on my neck three weeks ago and I was completely convinced it was the source of all my problems. A thyroid condition; it made sense. It was the physical proof that there is something the matter with me. I am not just a lazy piece of crap. Here is something that can be fixed. I felt hope.
Friday I found out that my lab results are normal. Nothing wrong with my thyroid. Oh and by the way, I cause the doctors office too much paperwork so now they have to charge me for the forms. So now the feelings of stupidity. The desire to dig a hole and hide in it.
I have a desire to disappear when I am embarrassed or ashamed of myself. I guess I really do place a very high value on what others think of me (I tell myself I don’t. I didn’t think I did). What is strange about that is that others do not think these things of me. So in fact it is my own shame that I am reflecting back to myself. My own self-doubt. I have unreasonably high expectations for myself. I really do not want to have to live up to those expectations anymore.
I found the lump three weeks ago. There were so many other things happening at the same time that I assumed they were all connected. This strange feeling of a “rush” through my body. Like nervous butterflies but instead of it being a feeling in the pit of my stomach, it was in my arms and legs making them feel weak. Chest pains and other physical symptoms. The lump is on my thyroid. When I read about thyroid problems, it completely made sense. Depression, anxiety, chest pain, even carpel tunnel syndrome can all be caused by thyroid problems. I have had signs of carpel tunnel since the spring when I was rebuilding my garden. Every morning my hands are sore and swollen. I was convinced this was all connected to the lump. It was all I could think about for the last three weeks. A week and a half ago I went for blood tests and an ECG to check my heart. On Friday I was waiting all afternoon for the call from the doctor. The first thing the doctor said was “so we have some more forms to fill out for work today?” I was dumbfounded. I replied “actually the appointment was to talk about the results from the lab tests”. Then she told me everything is normal. So, what then? This is all anxiety? But I don’t even feel stressed! What about the lump? The ultrasound tomorrow will determine if it is just a cyst.
Stress is a funny thing. I have noticed before that I will have physical symptoms of stress but my mind feels ok. In fact if I look around there are a lot of things causing stress. Two major deadlines at work including a presentation and a lump that is consuming all of my thoughts. Parenting two teens and a toddler are enough on their own to cause high stress, so add in some work deadlines and health issues and certainly there is enough to cause stress. The thing is I have been doing this for years – high stress work and parenting. This is not new. So why would I have a bunch of new physical symptoms. I don’t get it.
Two weeks ago was the anniversary of my sister’s death. It was also my ex’s birthday. A relapse and return of depression I can get.
I guess the only thing left to do is pick myself back up, accept that I had a bit of a set back on my journey and start again.