I hate working when my mind is out of control. My head is spinning right now. I can’t focus. I can’t remember from one minute to the next what I was doing. The more I forget or become confused, the more the anxiety builds. This morning I took 20 minutes to try to center myself and relax before I started working. I decided to just write. Nothing in particular, just whatever was racing through my mind. I chose to write rather than meditate because I am not very good at meditating. I know it is highly recommended and can really help with stress and depression, but it is a skill I have never managed to succeed at. It is on my list of things to keep working at. So in the meantime, I wrote. I wrote about 3 pages of random thoughts. I did find myself relaxing. However at one point my mind started racing ahead and I found my self tensing up and and writing faster and faster. So I did some mindfulness exercises and some deep breathing and managed to bring myself back and slow down. This afternoon, I started to do some paperwork. I don’t know if it is paperwork I don’t like or if it is overly complicated (filling out forms). But whatever it was it triggered some major stress. I began totally spinning out of control. So here I am. Writing again. This time writing to share. And it works. I am beginning to relax. To find some focus. To come back to earth.
Sometimes I think they must have got my test results wrong. Five years ago I was tested for the Huntington’s gene. My test was negative. It was an incredible relief. An incredible relief for my kids and for my family. At the same time there is guilt and sadness for my Dad and my sister. Even though my test result is negative, I find myself going through similar things as them… depression, anxiety, apathy, loss of memory, loss of focus. I find myself on the same medications. I know that the risk of mix ups with the tests is probably almost zero. Also, both my partner and my mom are confident that there are no symptoms. I also know that some people start to look for other explanations for their symptoms after a negative result. So I guess this is normal? Or survivor’s guilt? Or what is left after the initial feelings of freedom have worn off?
Sometimes I wonder if not having that cloud over my head has left me lost. Maybe being at risk and not knowing my status gave me a direction or drive; a deadline to accomplish my dreams. An explanation for any undesirable trait or mistake. Now that is gone and maybe I am left lost and directionless. Having to redefine myself. Trying to find an answer for why I am the way I am or feel the way I feel. One of the hardest things about depression or anxiety is not knowing why you feel the way you do. So the search continues….