The messy stuff is the hardest to share. It is so much easier to say “look everyone, I hung my bike from the ceiling!”, “look at me, I renovated my garden!” But life is not so simple. It is not always sunny and happy. It is hard to say “I wanted to die everyday for the past couple of years. It was all I could think about”. It is hard for people to hear. I am afraid to share that. People are afraid when they hear it. I am afraid of what my family will think. I feel shame and guilt putting those feeling out there for everyone to see. Often, people only tell half of the story. When we don’t talk about the other half, life from the outside looks amazing, full of adventure. Nothing bad ever happens. But that is not reality. I committed to share the messy stuff too. As hard as it is, I will try.
It was two years ago that I realized something was wrong. I started to notice that I was fantasizing about suicide on a daily basis – what I now understand is suicidal ideation. I started to pay attention and realized that there was not a day that went by that these thoughts did not cross my mind. That was when I had a serious discussion with myself that if I ever felt it was more than a fantasy, that I would drive myself straight to the emergency room. Even at that time, I did not realize that I was depressed. There were a lot of exciting things happening with my career at that time, I was traveling a lot for work, even getting to present my research at an international conference in Brazil. My work was becoming more widely recognized, I was promoted in my job and was doing well. Things were going in the direction I wanted. I would have stretches of time where I felt on top of the world. On the personal side though, our family had suffered a lot of loss. We had just lost my ex, the father of my two older sons. We were still suffering the vicious cycle of Huntingtons Disease and the trauma it causes in families. I did not know how to handle grief. I was afraid I would lose everyone. The more independent my teenage sons were becoming, the more out of control I felt. Afraid that something would happen to them, terrified that I would lose them too. I would go through periods of time where I was living under a cloud of fear.
About a year and a half ago life felt like a vicious cycle. Get up, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, do it all again the next day. Day after day, week after week, month after month. I started to feel like I was always sitting in the same spot on the couch, doing nothing, day after day. I stopped helping around the house. I felt like I had gone comatose. I did not want to do anything. It was then I realized this was not normal. That I needed help. I talked to my Doctor. She evaluated me on a depression scale and I was between moderate and high. She prescribed an anti-depressant and therapy.
It has been a pretty rough road. I still feel ok to bad about half of the time. I think maybe I had a good period, but at some point I stopped progressing. Maybe even going back down. I notice that the death and accident fantasies are returning. I know that I do not want to die. I just want to be happy. To enjoy my amazing family. I will never leave them. But I am trapped, trying to find the way out.
(P.S. – I have reached out for help from my Doctor again and from my support people. I will not follow through on any of the ideations. I promise 🙂 I actually wrote most of this post months ago but I was too afraid to share. The very last paragraph about going downhill I just wrote now)
Thank you for sharing. Your situation may help an other or others. I can only share my anxiety history. Cycles; periods of downs, a pattern which after 65 years is more manageable (with meds of course), sometimes by just shutting down for a few days to ‘wait it out’. ‘Out’ has always come. My coping mechanism. Sorry to hear but am glad you are tackling your thoughts. I’ve always been in awe of how well you cope. I should say appear to cope! All the best!
Thankyou for your comment. I think your coping mechanism of waiting it out and that out has always come is one of the most helpful things I have heard to date. In some of the lowest lows I shut down – just because I couldn’t cope, not because I planned to. Understanding that maybe that is what my brain needs and that out will come is very helpful. A tool I can use going forward. It used to be a bad thing to share “your dirty laundry” with everyone. The generations of youth growing up with social media have changed that. We talk about things a lot more now, and I am learning that these types of issues – depression, anxiety, ups and downs in life – are far more ‘normal’ than we think. Somehow, even that in itself is reassuring and good to know. Thankyou for sharing your situation. (by the way, your advice has helped me cope in many situations over the years! thankyou!)
Thank you so much for sharing. You are brave, talented and determined! I’ve been there and it is rough. Good days and bad days, and a cycle to them. At the low times, I remind myself that tomorrow will be better, and it is – sometimes it just takes longer than others. Sometimes I “hibernate” for a few days. Re-read some good books. The meds help, that is just the way my brain and body works best. Pushing back on negative thoughts helps too. Sorry to hear you and in a down phase – it will get better 🙂
Thanks for sharing. You are brave, talented and determined! I’ve been there and it’s rough. Sometimes I just hibernate for awhile. Re-read a good book for the millionth time. I know there will be down times, but always up times too. You are special 🙂