It was 2014. It was my birthday. I sat there alone, crying. We went out for a family dinner the prior weekend to celebrate and it was great. I loved taking my sons to an upscale restaurant, everyone dressed up. Everything felt special. I should feel happy now, I thought, and I should enjoy the peace of a day to myself. But that is not how I felt. How strange, I thought. I don’t even know or understand my own desires. I did not think that I wanted to do anything special today. But now, here I am. Alone and sad. Wishing that Nico was here with me. Wishing I was with friends. Wishing that I had planned something for today.
I thought about my previous birthdays. Over the years, I spent several birthdays alone. I let the day pass with nothing but Facebook birthday wishes. I was single and grieving my separation. My boys were little, too little to plan a party or a dinner. My dad was no longer able to plan something, or keep track of what day it was. People were busy with their own things going on. I was lonely.
It was 2018. I just finished my PhD. This was a momentous time in my life. But it was happening at one of the saddest times of my life. Our family was grieving the loss of someone close. I was worried about my kids and struggling with my own feelings. I wasn’t thinking much about celebration. As convocation got closer, I decided I wanted to go. I told my family that they could come if they wanted, but that it would probably be long and boring. I was sure they didn’t want to come. I didn’t invite any friends. I didn’t tell anyone that I wanted them to come. I didn’t tell anyone that I wanted a big celebration. On the day of my convocation, I was up on the stage, dressed in my gown and cap. Nico was watching from the audience. It was amazing. But I was sad that my family, my mom, were not there with me. I felt unimportant.
It is 2022. I have done it again. I have told someone not to do something for me, and secretly, deep down I really wanted it. I remember my birthday in 2014. I remember my grad. I start to notice the pattern. I notice that every time it is my turn to be center stage I feel shame, sadness. I shy away. Wanting something brings on a feeling of selfishness. I bury my desires. I grieve silently. But what would today have been like if I did not do that? If I had expressed my desires? If I had said, today is really important to me and I want to celebrate. I know what would have happened. We would have celebrated and I would have been smiling and happy.
We make our own happiness.
