Three steps forward two steps back is still forward

Has it really been over 2 1/2 years since my last post? I’ve been struggling with a very long creative block. My notebook is full of ramblings and writing exercises and I have several blog drafts started but not finished.

Where has my voice gone? How do I jump back in?

There have been many ups and downs. I’ve fallen off the fitness wagon and had to climb my way back up more than once. I’ve struggled through some big dips in my mood and worked my way back up. But I still can’t seem to get back to where I was with the writing. This is my next goal.

Perhaps a good place to start is by taking stock of my achievements. I don’t know about you, but I tend to focus on all my failures and setbacks and forget about how far I’ve come.

I’m always surprised when I write down my achievements. It’s always more than what I think. It’s a boost to my mood, a reminder of my strength and helps me to put my setbacks into perspective.

I want to talk about how far I’ve come but I guess I need to start with how low I went. At my lowest point several years ago, I went through a breakdown. I was struggling with depression, which I’ve talked a little about in previous posts. I wasn’t doing much physical activity, I wasn’t doing much at all. I was still reeling from everything that life had thrown at me. I tried antidepressants, gained over twenty pounds, and watched the world go on from behind a glass wall. I tried repeatedly to climb out of the hole, but progress is three steps forward two steps back. I started running and did a bit of backpacking. I got off the antidepressants. When life got busy the running went sideways. I tried the gym but struggled to keep a consistent schedule… up and down, around and around. But something is not nothing. I struggled on.

I learned that at some point along the journey I had developed chronic fatigue syndrome, my B12 was borderline deficient and my blood sugar was borderline diabetic.

Enough was enough. I really needed to get serious about my health and fitness. I needed to go all in. No more postponing things. At fifty it becomes hard to say I’ll do it later. Instead, it becomes now or never. Especially when it comes to big mountain goals. If things don’t drastically change I’ll watch those dreams slowly slip away. For my fiftieth birthday we did Mount Baker. My first mountain peak over 3000 meters. I didn’t want to lose that momentum. I got serious about the running again and started going to the climbing gym. I started eating better. I cut the processed carbs, sugar, most wheat based carbs, and increased my protein intake. I lost that extra twenty pounds. Running and hiking got easier and I finally started to see the progress. I went from watching my family happily running ahead of me while I struggled to convince my legs to keep going, to being able to run up the steep sections on mount Finlayson.

This year we did another scramble above 3000 meters, le Casque du Marboré on the border of France and Spain. Now I watch my dreams come a bit closer with each run, with each weight lifted, with each hike we do.

Onwards and upwards baby!

La brèche de Roland